Hi, I've been lying awake here for the past hour. I wanted to try sleeping early and take advantage of my mood but then I have committed one of the habits that I should quit before trying. That is to check twitter. As I didn't realize it beforehand, unfortunately I did. I'm regretting it now because it triggered a lot of emotions from me.
I decided to give myself a chance and tweet my feelings so I could finally call it a day. But little to my expectations, my sleepiness faded together with my desire to sleep early. Now, I don't feel any sign of sleepiness, only a bit. That's why I was led here. I thought that if I write it down, I could leave my thoughts behind and sleep.
So what exactly is the reason? I don't know, it's weird but the root cause of it is my endless and overflowing love for TVXQ. Even though it sounded immature, I would accept it because I am rich of emotion when it comes to them. A spectrum of happiness to sadness and endearment to hatred. I don't know where exactly do I put my current emotion towards them but I'm sure that it's nothing pleasant for this hour. It's okay to me but not in my time of sleep, thank you.
I'm weird but it makes it even weirder that I'm making an entry about it. I don't even care how this is being constructed right now or if I am making sense because I'm really frustrated. I know that everything boils down to missing them though. Yes, maybe I'm just feeling their absence. Like I said in my previous tweets about JYJ that I miss them appearing on TV programs because apparently, a strike has been upon their career by the broadcast stations. To give it a picture, the whole music industry is ganging up against them which I find unfair, rude, and inhumane. What do you think?
Perhaps, I'm just the only one. And that makes it even bigger than weird because I have this capacity to analyze things that are beyond human intellect and rationalization. I work with my feelings than with my mind on this kind of matter and most of the time, I feel helpless in my own emotion.
Sometimes I think that we decide on the things that could hurt us, and to me the subject of TVXQ's separation is one of them. Maybe because it has been years since it happened yet I am still left here with so much hope and faith in them as a 5 member group. I don't see anything bad about it regardless, but I don't feel comfortable in dealing with it. Not right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a situation where I should have escaped from, long ago. It's more of that sadness that comes within you because you love and care for them. Though I feel sorry to myself for being a pessimist with my feelings but it just doesn't feel right anymore. I feel wronged, to sensationalize it.
Because of that, I decided to just hate them which doesn't make sense at all and is an utter unbelievable thing when in fact, I know that deep within the core of my existence, their value is something that can't be compared and replaced. As confusing as it might sound to everyone, it's even more agonizing for me to figure out myself. Though I know a common answer to this: I MISS YOU. Yes, I miss them, like crazy, everyday and most especially, during the night.
People would think that I'm crazy. Maybe, but I don't know how to quit that certain emotion that I have for them and that I have expressed in the past 6 years of being their fan. Believe me though, I am completely sane and I know what I'm doing. I'm not just sure if this is right.
However, I'm just really happy that I have this blog even thought I don't know whether anyone's going to read this or not. Having this opportunity to write down my feelings is amazing in itself. I should really become a writer, but I have to improve my skills more. I have to work on expressing myself like a grown up fangirl to be a better person in the future.
From now on, I shall embrace this feeling. It's so vague yet so special in so many ways and because of that, I found joys in it somehow. Goodnight. It's past midnight here in my place. Sorry for being out of topic but this is what I really feel tonight.
No comments:
Post a Comment